A day in the life of a mother

This blog is about a day in the life of a frum (orthodox Jewish) mother with small children.

Friday, August 08, 2008

Denial

I am tired of ignorance. I am so tired of certain extended family members telling me #1 does not have Aspergers despite extensive testing by an educational psychologist, and the Autism team at his school. There is a well known pediatric psychiatrist (who also happens to be a rabbi)who goes to my shul who often chats with #1 in the coat room before mincha Friday night. He asked my father in law about #1 and I am not sure what he told him but it was not the truth, that #1 has Asperger's. I am really annoyed. I asked him why didn't you tell him?? and he says he DOESN"t have it, he doesn't have all the symptoms. Cousin so and so's grandson has asperger's and he is very withdrawn and does not even say hi. I told him, you don't need to have ALL the symptoms to have it. I am sick and tired of my mother in law's opinion that because her cousin's grand son has such a severe case then that's how all Aspergers kids are. I am tired of it. I am so fed up its taking all my will power not to call up and yell out of frustration at them. What will it take to get them to understand?? Apparently they know MUCH better than the educational psychologist who spent hours testing him. They know better than the Autism team involved with #1 at school, better than #1's teacher, and better than the principal. Just because they are involved in the special needs community because of my brother in law's rare Wolf-Hirschhorne syndrome, does not make them authorities on EVERY disability or special need. I am mad that my father in law did not tell the psychiatrist at shul about #1's asperger's but I suspect he probably knows #1's on the spectrum by his behaviour and was asking to be helpful. I am annoyed he asked my father in law and not my husband, but my husband was not in the room at the time. I told my hubby next time he sees this rabbi/psychiatrist tell him the truth about #1's Asperger's, or if he doesn't want to mention it first, then if asked, hubby will inform him. I am tired of well meaning people telling me #1 is fine when they do not live with him, are not involved with his education, and only see him on the odd occasion. People should keep their mouths shut about it if they don't understand what SPECTRUM means. My son does not need to have every freaking symptom in the book. He had ENOUGH symptoms that he was diagnosed with it and confirmed by the staff at his school. I am so frustrated with people's big mouths right now. Maybe this rabbi/psychiatrist can confirm to my father in law that he does have aspergers. Maybe that will be enough for my in laws to finally accept the truth after 5 years.

3 Comments:

  • At 11:32 AM, Blogger Z said…

    Isn't that JUST the worst? My son falls exactly in between Aspergers and autism on the "checklists" and so many people are like "it will resolve itself" - he is EXTREMELY social and outgoing so OF COURSE it can't be autism. I just do my own thing. I tell everyone and actually so does my son. It's no secret and it's not shameful. It is what is is. My best to you!!! HUGS

     
  • At 8:00 PM, Blogger aspisisrealaskamumwhoknows said…

    Hi There.
    I share your frustration. I too have a child who has aspergers and family as critics. My son is an overly affectionate child and I have had family, friends and even teachers tell me he cant have aspergers he's affectionate.So for a while there I doubted my son had aspergers. Until I decided to find someone who really knows and that was a psycholigist who spealises in aspergers.She told me that a child who has aspergers can be equally unaffectionate as they can be overly affectinate. So now I tell the ones who dont know to pull there head in and listen to the ones that do now.Some People have the best intentions but that does mean they have the best advice.Hang in there, you are your childs best advocate and they will appreciate what you do. All the best.

     
  • At 12:03 PM, Blogger Christine said…

    Though I do not have a child that has this and can not relate in that sense I can however relate to the denial.

    Do you think it's a generational thing? I notice people in my generation are more face forward about issues and don't try to mask it rather they try to get others to learn more about it (such as family and friends). I notice that in my parents generation they seem to have this attitude that if you don't talk about it... well it just goes away plus they don't want others to think you don't have a perfect (as defined in their minds) family in perfect health etc.

    Don't know if I am wording this right but I think you know what I am saying. I think facing it and dealing with it is much better.

    My mother lived in denial of my BPD and now as an adult I have choosen to face it and not live in denial. It makes life much easier! My mother still can't handle the reality so she continues to live in denial.

    Hang in there. I think it's a great idea to have your husband speak to him. Actually I'm sure the man knows what's wrong but wanted to see what your father in law would say it was.

     

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